Brenna here;

Ah, a wholesome Webkinz Christmas- except there are two of the same cat...

If you haven’t realized what complete losers we are by now, go back and read the aptly titled Why Meghan & Brenna Will Never Get Boyfriends post and you’ll catch on really quick. I would have hyper-linked that but I don’t know how to do any of that fancy shit. So, you’ll just have to scroll down and see.

Ah, Webkinz. We’ve passed them in the mall once or twice. We’ve scoffed at them, we’ve briefly cuddled the one that looked the most like our dog, we’ve fought Atilla the Hun-style past swarms of 7-year old’s for the newest, we’ve had a secret and shameful fixation for them. Either way, they’ve become synonymous with immaturity.

Meghan and I did that. We did the Webkinz thing. And we have the scars to prove it. Or rather, the suitcase in the basement where they are now stuffed, never to see the light of day again. I can still hear them sometimes late at night, their muffled croaks; “Brenna! Let us out of there! We thought you loved us! We love you! WE LOVE YOU!”. The holes in our bank-accounts where money would fly out without warning- into the needy hands of Ganz, to another cheaply-made Webkinz to sit proudly on our bed. But those days are long gone.

Actually, it was only in 2008. I had ten Webkinz. Meghan had six. That’s $180 right there between the two of us. Not counting the other paraphernalia we bought for the Webkinz, like clothing, charms, and trading cards. We were obsessed with our Webkinz. I know the term ‘obsessed’ has been tossed around and used really lightly these days, but we were obsessed. I spent countless hours on the computer trying to furnish rooms for my beloved Webkinz, I must’ve answered every question in ‘Quizzy’s Question Corner’. I spun the ‘Wheel of Wow’. I prayed that it would land on $500 every time. But alas, all I ever got was $50, or a PB&J sandwich. Money was tight in Webkinz World. Do you know how much it costs to buy Pink Poodle Parfait? We mined for gems as ‘Artie’s’. Tried to scam Artie out of the best deal. We harvested our strawberry gardens and sold the strawberries back to that sleazy W Shop.

Why did I have to buy so many Webkinz? Why couldn’t I just stop? Why couldn’t I appreciate the ones I had? If you have never had a Webkinz in your life, then you will never understand.

"I don't like Webkinz coming to my fucking pantry, I kill 'em!"

There’s always going to be that one more Webkinz, that one plush animal with the sad, pleading eyes that say, “Love me! Take me home, I need you. You need me!”. $25 dollars later… and you have this; Webkinz accompanying your fruit cups and canned Green Giant peas: (ahem, Meghan)

We still would have been doing it, too. To this day we would be squandering our meager earnings away on yet another Webkinz- getting that much closer to a Wonder Bed. But Meghan and I had had enough. Our tolerance had been pushed to the limit by an onslaught of website glitches that made going about our daily harmonious tasks unbearable. You’d go to your Webkinz’s room to find that all your furniture was missing and your Webkinz was dancing on the wall. Or you’d have ten cakes you never saw before in your dock. Or, heaven forbid, your Webkinz would be sleeping upside-down in it’s bed! Finally it got so bad I had to take matters into my own hands. With a carefully-worded and concise e-mail to Webkinz’s parent company, Ganz;

Hello my name is Brenna Motychko,

I am wondering about this thing you have going on in Webkinz with there only being two zones.   When you first announced it, I thought it was a great idea. I went on Webkinz last night and was not able to sign up for the beauty pageant as whenever I went to turn on my phone, I got the message, “Sorry, all of our servers are full”. Now I can’t enjoy ANYTHING on Webkinz because the phones aren’t working.

I thought this problem would be solved this morning but as always with the website it wasn’t. I don’t know when I’ll be able to to go the tournament arena, the clubhouse, have friends over, and compete/watch the beauty pageant. I am very upset at this.   If you are going to have only two zones, then make sure more people can go in them, not just 100 at a time. Also, get your time zones straightened out and do different shows per time zone.

I’ve contacted you people so many times and I feel like I’m talking to a wall. But worse, an ignorant wall. You never FIX a problem, you just try to cover it up with more things for us to buy.   I hope you read this e-mail. I’m sorry about what

I said, but if you were me and everyone else let down by this website… you would understand. Please, I’m begging you… fix the problem. Don’t sweep it under the rug!

Thank You, Brenna Motychko a.k.a Yatsuki

Alas, all I got in return was a cold, heedless automated response, suggesting I call the Webkinz hotline.

I never bothered, and gradually we gave up with Webkinz. But that never stopped me from indulging in all the fun Webkinz-related games Meghan and I played. We mad our own movie, starring our Webkinz. Aptly titled, The Webkinz Movie. We told a tale of classism and prejudice through our Webkinz. I will never watch it again. We also took many pictures of our Webkinz. After all, they were models.

Don't ask me how this resembles Marilyn Monroe

For example, this here picture of my beloved Webkin Irina posing for a pseudo-artistic picture which I titled; Irina Channeling Marilyn Monroe. I had about 500 saved screen-grabs I took of my Webkinz. What I intended  to do with them, escapes me. They were just of my Webkinz doing various things, like waving to me or standing on the fridge. I know, it’s pretty sad. It’s also kind of scary. Warning Signs of a Future Crazy Cat Lady.

There was also a game Meghan and her bother made up called, ‘I Need More Webkinz’. There were two teams, and you had to throw Webkinz back and fourth really fast and pray you didn’t run out.

It’s sad and tragic, but after all of that, where are our Webkinz now? What used to ignite childlike innocent wonder and awe in us, now barely garners mild disgust. They are cast away. Neglected in the basement. Their online accounts have long extinguished. Nothing is left but a shell of once was; what I used to use to fill the void of sadness and emptiness- with cheap plush animals. My Webkinz would always love me. Unconditionally. But the novelty wore off.

Bah. You won this time, Ganz.